Selling Sunset
Gossip Girls / Girlsgiving
Season 9
Episodes 1 – 2
Editor’s Rating
Photo: Netflix
Hundreds of years of civil war preceded the fall of the Roman Empire. A famously sprawling superpower, its size eventually made it unmanageable in an age before texting. As regional leaders were entrusted with more power, Rome’s centralized influence waned until the whole thing crumbled. I think about the Roman Empire a lot when I am watching Selling Sunset, a show I do believe heralds the end of our civilization in much the same way: no society that puts 12 bathrooms in one house can survive. This season, the comparison becomes particularly apropos as Jason and Brett Oppenheim — the ostensible leaders of the Oppenheim Group — realize that exercising little to no authority over their agents for eight seasons has resulted in things spiraling out of control. While this problem isn’t new, it reaches a frantic peak in these first two episodes. We’re diving right into an already heated conflict between rival leaders vying for control of Selling Sunset itself, my favorite show about pretty ladies fighting at work.
Chrishell is obviously the show’s strongest leader, partially because she is so pretty, cool, and everyone is in love with her a little bit. Emma and Chelsea are endlessly loyal to her, a fact underlined in the very first scene when we meet up with them at a listing on N. Doheny Drive that, as of this writing, is still available to anyone looking for a stove that’s tricky to use for no reason and practically no outdoor space. Chelsea announces that her seven-year marriage officially ended almost two months ago, because, as you may recall, her husband was caught by Bre’s friend kissing another woman in the lobby of the W Hotel. Emma, meanwhile, is still reeling from the rumor Nicole attempted to start at the end of season eight that she was a “husband snatcher.” Emma insists she’s never snatched a husband in her life, and everyone agrees that these constant attempts by Nicole to make the show exciting have blocked all roads to peace.
We first see Nicole descending on the office like a curse, complete with a bleach-blonde Reputation-era bob, because I am sure her favorite album is Reputation (specifically the Scooter Braun–owned version). No one wants to talk to her, not even Mary, whose wedding she officiated. I agree with her that this is weird, but it makes sense for Mary, the show’s weakest leader, whose method of dealing with conflict is to pretend it doesn’t exist. Jason and Brett attempt to run a team meeting while sitting in front of that horrifying fireplace — this is how the wealthy are welcomed to hell, I’m sure of it — but it is no longer business as usual at the O Group. Their office is only half-full, and the employees who did show up are too busy playing with Amanza’s purse to talk about real estate.
With the lack of office attendance decidedly untenable, Mary and Chrishell meet at Bar Next Door like two generals seeking a detente. Mary delivers the message that Jason is annoyed his team meetings are so sparsely attended. But of course, Chrishell does not care. She knows as well as Mary does that these emperors have no clothes. As they slurp down their edible glitter, two reasons a full return to the office cannot happen are established: Nicole’s presence and the fact that Chrishell and Bre are “not in a friendly place.” With that, talks are suspended.
But it’s not for nothing! Emma and Nicole have agreed to meet on-camera at a place called Casita. Nicole with her Taylor Swift hairdo, Emma in her Charli XCX sunglasses — it is all just so Zeitgeist-y. Nicole attempts to explain that the husband-snatching rumor actually came from Jenn, who is Jason and Brett’s first cousin. Those are the most important cousins! Emma then corrects the record and reveals that the man in question was not a love interest and was, in fact, sexually harassing her. I firmly believe this, not only because a terrible man doing something awful and the women of this show deciding to destroy each other over it is par for the course, but also because when Emma says the word marriage, her full Boston accent comes out. It’s the only time I’ve ever been afraid of her. To her credit, Nicole does apologize on-camera, but Emma is not having it. Nicole has absolutely no goodwill to spend, as she’s never been particularly good at talking to, relating to, or being around the other people on this show. Hopefully, no one invites her to a big dinner with a bunch of people who don’t like her already.
Amanza does exactly this, when she decides to host a big Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant. In the run-up to “Girlsgiving,” we see Amanza in a perfectly fine house, looking absolutely stunning in a multicolored sequined corset top, telling Alanna that she’s hopeful the dinner will go well. I have no idea why she would even entertain this as a possibility. Meanwhile, Emma and Chrishell meet up at an actually wonderful listing on N. Doheny Drive, where they giggle about how much they’d love to murder Nicole. This does not bode well.
My main takeaway from Girlsgiving is that I am in love with Amanza’s friend Catherine. Her huge coat, her willingness to dive right into a problem that has nothing to do with her, the way she looks directly into the camera and then awkwardly walks out of frame when Amanza announces to the crew that she did cocaine with Nicole in their youth, the way she says “Chrisheeehhllll, stahhhp.” She is perfect to me. And she was right to step in! Chrishell was being needlessly petty. It’s one thing not to like someone; it’s another to telegraph that constantly throughout the one dinner you have to have with them that year. It is Thanksgiving, Chrishell! The entire point of the holiday is to sit quietly and at least pretend to have a nice time until you can go back to your normal life and be all the more thankful that you don’t have to do that every day. Besides, Chrishell should be glad that Nicole’s wickedness is so blatant. Nicole’s comment about Chrishell’s parents is exactly the sort of clumsy cruelty that immediately makes you forget how obnoxious Chrishell was actually being from the get-go.
This dinner ends with Nicole shouting “I. LIKE. WEED. EDIBLES,” as everyone around her screams at her to leave. It’s objectively hilarious. Of course, what Nicole said was dumb and terrible, but that doesn’t mean it’s not exactly the sort of thing one watches a show like this to see. The problem, as usual, is that Nicole has no friends to back her up onscreen, so she has no real fighting chance, which makes how hard she goes seem crazy. While Emma, Chelsea, and Chrishell have formed an alliance of mutual protection, Mary lets Chrishell literally roll her eyes at Nicole’s tale of being blind for 24 hours without a word. You can be friends with Mary your entire adult life, you can be the authority that wed her to her husband, but as soon as Girlsgiving goes left, she will gladly join the rest of the senate in assassinating you.
• As I mentioned in the beginning, this listing on Bel Air Road that has 12 bathrooms is a harbinger of our collective doom. This is what our nation’s robber barons consider a sound investment? I don’t know if you know this, dear reader, but every toilet in your house must be flushed at least once a week. I’d also like to point out that this home’s 15-foot television is too big for how close the sofa is to it. The only truly cool thing about this house is the pool, and only because its placement at the edge of a cliff overlooking Century City makes it a perfect setting for Jay Gatsby’s murder (spoiler, sorry).
• Bre’s personal assistant, Nick, is summoned to a Tanager Way listing to bring her a different pair of boots to wear for no reason at all. The boots are fine, but I assume this scene exists to try to rehabilitate Bre’s reputation among the nation’s personal assistants.
• Chrishell is selling JoJo Siwa’s house, and as bedazzled as it is, the only thing I care about is Francesca the stager’s perfect red jumpsuit. I want that jumpsuit! Give me that jumpsuit! Where is that jumpsuit from? Does it come in other colors? Is it machine washable? Does it wrinkle easily? Is it soft? I need this information.
• Jason has installed a comically large hedge around the front door of the office. He’s done this for “privacy” because there is “a lot of foot traffic.” They have three whole clips of people stopping on an otherwise empty sidewalk to snap photos or peek inside. This seems like an overreaction, but we must be sensitive to the fact that in Los Angeles, three people on the sidewalk on different days counts as an overwhelming amount of foot traffic. At this point, I even feel I should apologize for the time I looked at their office while passing it in the back of a Lyft. I am part of the problem.
• Mary has a client who is a music manager whose house Justin Bieber once recorded in … she won’t say the name, but I think she wants us to think it’s Scooter Braun. I don’t.
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