It’s not just that there’s a glut of dating shows on the air these days; it’s that they’re expressly built around the kind of reality TV moments that people used to have to endure hours and hours of bland walking-on-the-beach footage for. You know the moments, even if you won’t admit to being drawn to them: the blockbuster arguments at gatherings where every guest has had exactly two more drinks than they should have, the backstabbing by the pool, the cheating in the jacuzzi, the verging-on-obscene intimate moments in honeymoon suites.
Streaming has changed the game too: dating shows such as Love is Blind and Too Hot to Handle don’t have to worry about free-to-air standards, meaning they can be upfront about the actual sex their contestants are engaging in. It makes the chocolate baths of The Bachelor look tame.
Appetite for this kind of content in the mainstream does, however, come in waves. Don’t forget there was a time in Australia when Big Brother Up Late was pulled off the air for reasons of public decency. Maybe smut is on its way out and tenderness is in? But is The Golden Bachelor capable of delivering this rom-com sweetness?
Elizete’s Carnival-inspired outfit had her temporarily trapped in the car before meeting the “Golden Bachelor”.Credit: Nine
Bear has been presented as “Older. Wiser. Hotter”, which is a bit mean to Honey Badger, but that’s how things go. This softly spoken sexagenarian is adamant that “falling in love does not have an age limit” but he also admits that he doesn’t like telling people his real age. The new host, Samantha Armytage, explains to the audience that everyone wants love, even if you’re as old as the universe itself. No one on the show can quite decide if getting older is a privilege or an absolute drag.
In his intro, the father of three explains that he has been single for more than a decade. Upsettingly, the show makes him watch a slideshow of family photos of his wife, who passed away 14 years ago. (This is a recurring theme of the show, by the way: the contestants are all required to explain why they’re still single, as if it’s a thoroughly befuddling state to exist in. Prepare for many tales of divorce, death and fertility troubles.)
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“How do you feel about your grown sons watching you kiss women on TV?” one of Bear’s sons asks him. Bear is not sure – he feels bad about it, he supposes. But he’s ready for love and is good-looking enough to be on television.
“I know I’m going to meet some beautiful women tonight,” he says. And he does! A variety of women in sequins and draped fabrics come with poems and glasses of champagne and pleasant attitudes towards group dating. Bear doesn’t emote much, which may be a problem given he’s the whole focus of this telly show, but then he is very tall. Maybe it’ll be okay.
As the contestants file in, it does feel refreshing to see women over 50 being depicted as something other than caretakers: they are glamorous and sparkly figures to be lusted over. A particularly fantastic woman named Shamse explains that her grey streaks are “priceless highlights” and laughs about how silly she feels to talk about such things. It’s endearing.
Shamse and her “priceless highlights”. Credit: Nine
Of course, we still have all the Bachelor archetypes, including people who want to make a big impact. Elizete dresses up in a Carnival-inspired outfit that involves such a large back-piece that she is temporarily trapped in the car she arrives in. Sunny brings a golf club and spanks Bear with it (“Where are the golf balls?” Bear asks. Sunny proudly points to her cleavage). Lauren arrives on a horse.
Despite how lovely it is to see these gorgeous older women on TV laugh about hormone replacement therapy and bunions together, The Golden Bachelor still has that sting of antiquation. The medical professionals, grandmothers and tech geniuses still have to compete for the “first impression rose” which guarantees them safety for another week. Has this always felt like such a bummer? Is that what we’ve gotta do to find love?
It’s refreshing to see women over 50 being depicted as something other than caretakers, but the show still feels antiquated.Credit: Nine
A nice woman named Jan is awarded the prize. “She’s the oldest woman here,” another woman remarks, a statement that could mean nothing or everything.
Three women are sent home on the first night, with 16 contestants now vying for Bear’s heart. Will this show give us hope about love later in life? Or are we too hardened to see The Bachelor as an avenue to true love?
“I’m going to cry,” says a contestant named Bianca when she gets the last rose. “I’m going to vomit.” Same, girl, same.
The Golden Bachelor continues 7.30pm Tuesday on Nine and 9Now.
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