The comedian and fellow Traitor Cat Burns have made it to the final of The Celebrity Traitors.
When Richard Osman declared he wouldn’t play The Celebrity Traitors without the guarantee of being one himself, he was absolutely right.
Having had the chance to play the game myself around an imitation table, complete with our own version of Claudia Winkleman at The Traitors Live Experience, I can now see exactly where he was coming from.
As a Traitor, the game was entirely in my hands, and by some miracle (or rather, the host just picking us out as we walked in), my boyfriend was named the other.
But, within moments, I became Alan Carr – a sweating, stumbling mess, constantly close to crumbling or giving myself away through giggles.
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The first ‘murder’ racked me with guilt, only after we recruited an unsuspecting lady to our team, later finding out that she’d unsuccessfully applied for the real version and instead opted for this, the next best thing.
When our host asked the ‘Faithfuls’ if we knew why everyone was still at a pretend breakfast’ the next ‘morning’, it was too good an opportunity to miss pulling a Kate Garraway and calling out, “Maybe they’ve been recruited.”
Somehow, while Kate’s comments sparked suspicions about her, I managed to slip under the radar, and we set our sights on our victim in the few seconds we had, as the other contestants had their blindfolds on.
Alan Carr has somehow made it to the final (Image: BBC)
Having spent £45 per ticket and only being able to participate in the first challenge, and knowing it was through no fault of her own that she was simply in my line of sight, I felt terrible. When I later found out that it was her birthday and she’d paid the full amount just for a 30-minute experience, the guilt almost reduced me to tears. How Alan murdered his close friend Paloma Faith in plain sight, I’ll never know.
One friend was the first to be banished, purely based on him looking “suspicious” (the fact he later revealed himself to secretly have two shields didn’t help his case). While I knew I’d have to kill another soon to ensure our group of friends within the larger team of players weren’t conveniently all saved, taking the heat off my back, the guilt eased off, and as Alan so hilariously proven, each murder was easier than the last.
The roundtables really are as intense as they seem (Image: BBC/Studio Lambert/Euan Cherry)
Thankfully, there were no Mark Bonnar theatrics, and we somehow managed to stay in the game till the very end. While one couple nearly split as a woman threw her boyfriend under the bus, and I was close to pulling a Tom and Alex breakfast scene moment to jump to the defence of my partner, I quickly learnt staying quiet is a safer bet, and certainly not opting to wear a cloak during one of the challenges to avoid looking too comfortable.
One woman, who didn’t quite seem to have a clue what was happening and was even savagely accused of “playing dumb,” made it very clear how unbothered she was, almost convincing me that she certainly couldn’t be a Faithful. She was quickly banished and seemed happier to sit on the other side, watching the rest of us play from a range of cameras.
‘Breakfasts’ in the game weren’t quite so dramatic (Image: BBC)
As numbers dwindled, there were just a handful of us left – us three Traitors, the Faithful mother of the first victim, and two of my close friends who had yet to suspect me.
When one was branded “twitchy” and another “too calm and collected” as she was accused of “sabotaging” a challenge, just like Clare Balding’s first episode slip-up, it almost looked as though we could banish them both out, convincing the others they must both be working against us all.
It was only at the final roundtable that I really faced my Alan Carr moment. As he had let slip his secret identity with a burst of giggles while insisting, “I’m a Faithful”, I was suddenly unable to look anyone in the eye.
To win as a Traitor, you’d have to stay as calm and collected as Cat Burns (Image: BBC)
As my partner turned against our recruited fellow Traitor, I knew I was next, and just let myself be banished, knowing that at least he would win on behalf of the Traitors in a move even Harry Clark would respect.
Would I do it all over again? In a heartbeat, if I had the chance to convince myself, I could be more like Cat and less like Alan. But was it worth the risk of paying for a ticket only to be killed off in the first half? Well, while Tom Daley and Ruth Codd may say yes, I’m not quite sure I’d agree.
The Celebrity Traitors final airs tomorrow night at 9pm on BBC One and iPlayer.
