Dear Richard,
A messy and expensive divorce, followed by a protracted custody battle that left me fighting for every second with my two beautiful daughters, has made me cynical, suspicious, misanthropic and – I’m sorry to say – misogynistic.
I put no energy into my career because if I earned more, I’d have to pay more to my ex-wife, who doesn’t need it and won’t spend it on the girls. Meanwhile, I don’t get “staying contact” with my daughters because I can’t afford to live somewhere suitable for them to stay. I have few friends and no hobbies, and the thought of embarking on another relationship is inconceivable.
The few hours each week when I’m with my daughters are the only times I feel life is remotely worth living. I know I need to get myself out of this tailspin, but I don’t know how. Do you have any advice for me?
– Anon, via telegraph.co.uk
Dear Anon,
Yes, I do. The path out of your current impasse is clear – to me, at least. You need to earn more. Why? So you can afford to live somewhere suitable that allows you “staying contact” with your lovely girls.
Your decision to freeze your career and earning potential is a classic case of shooting yourself in the foot. Yes, your ex-wife will receive more alimony as your salary rises. So what? That’s like refusing a pay rise because the taxman takes a larger share. It’s self-defeating, irrational, stubborn and, to be frank, rather stupid. Abandon such a negative policy, Anon. You clearly have a lot of insight – deep down, you must know I’m right.
You need a goal to aim for to get yourself out of what you describe as a “tailspin”. Well, this is it. The prize is quality time with your children – not just snatched moments in the park or pizza parlour. Re-energise yourself at work: seek promotion and advancement at the earliest opportunity. More money means more hours spent under your own roof with your beloved daughters. And there’s a useful spin-off, too: increasing success at work will help to soothe your bruised self-esteem.
It’s win-win, Anon. So go for it – and good luck!
Dear Richard Madeley: My father’s wife is preventing us from having healing last words
Dear Richard,
I adored my father when I was little but have had a difficult relationship with him since my parents’ divorce. He subsequently remarried twice, and wife number three is only a little older than me.
He is now extremely unwell, drifting in and out of consciousness and unlikely to see the year out. He and his wife had been living near me in London but moved to America a year ago, where she has access to top-quality healthcare. He is now in a swanky hospice.
I have visited a couple of times, but it’s been difficult to have the kind of “healing” conversation I had hoped for – partly because his lucidity wavers, but mostly because she’s always there. She is warm towards me, but clearly sees herself as the gatekeeper and the one running the show. I would like to have one more chance, but I really need her to give us some space. How can I communicate this?
– R, Richmond upon Thames
Dear R,
By being straight with her. There’s nothing wrong with directness, especially when the motive is as reasonable and justified as it is in this case.
You want time alone with your father on what is, let’s face it, his deathbed. Any loving son or daughter would wish for the same. My father died suddenly many years ago, aged 49, but had he lived to a decent age, as your father has, I would certainly have wished for some “farewell time” alone with him.
In your case, it’s clear there are things you want to say to your father that are completely private. You should make this clear to his wife and perhaps explain that these matters are in no way connected to her, but to the more distant past. It might also be wise to reassure her that you have no intention of upsetting or challenging your father – this isn’t a showdown. Quite the opposite, in fact: as you say, you want a healing conversation, a private farewell to him on your own terms and in your own way.
So email or call her and make all this clear. Tell her how grateful you are that she has been such a loving presence in your father’s life, and suggest that, if possible, you find time to have lunch or dinner together when you next visit. If you can form a closer bond, it can only stand both of you in good stead in your coming bereavement.
Good luck.
Dear Richard Madeley: I feel my daughter is siding with her dad, 50 years after our painful separation
Dear Richard,
I have two daughters and a son, all in their 60s. Their father left me when they were still at primary school. It broke me, and I tried to take my own life. But then I pulled myself together, got my life back on track and eventually remarried.
I’m close to two of our children, but the eldest – who lives nearby – has always been distant and prickly with me. She’s also resentful and reluctant when I occasionally ask her to sit with my husband, who has dementia, while I go to the shops or see a friend.
I always told my children their father loved them but no longer loved me, and he has been a good father to them. He’s particularly close to our eldest daughter, and I worry that somewhere along the line he may have said something to her about me. I assure you I’m not jealous, but I do feel she keeps me at a distance – and I could really do with some moral (and practical) support right now.
I’ve tried to discuss this with my daughter in a non-confrontational way, but she shrugs it off. Do you think I should ask my ex-husband to talk to her? We hardly speak, and I’ve never asked him for anything other than the support he’s given the children.
– D, Oxon
Dear D,
I’m sure you’re familiar with the so-called “serenity prayer”, attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I’m guessing you must be in your 80s, if all your children are now in their 60s. The chances of shifting your eldest’s attitude towards you are, frankly, exceedingly slim. Whatever the reasons for her frostiness, they will have deep roots, probably laid down in childhood – that’s at least five decades of entrenched prejudice.
Yes, it’s possible your former husband, her father, misrepresented you at some point in the past – but he’s hardly going to admit that now, is he? Innocent or otherwise, I don’t see how he can make any real difference to your daughter’s opinion of you. That would probably take months or years of therapy, not a simple father-daughter conversation.
No, I don’t think you should ask your ex to intervene on your behalf. He’ll either refuse, or, if he agrees, there’s a risk she’ll feel you’ve gone behind her back and your relationship will deteriorate further.
Which brings me back to that opening quotation. The best counsel I can give is to work towards acceptance. You won’t be the only parent who has a distant relationship with a grown-up child. It’s no reflection on you; it’s just how things sometimes work out, especially after divorce. At least you have a reasonably functional relationship with this daughter – and a much warmer one with her siblings. Count your blessings: things could be much worse.
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