Form, injury, unrest, homesickness, fright: How England’s pre-Ashes bravado typically comes undone in Australia

Even more to the point, England have not won the first Test of an Ashes series in Australia since 1986. That was on the back of the last century Ian Botham scored in Test cricket. During the first Test of this series, Botham will turn 70. It’s veritably an age ago.

It hasn’t even been close: two draws aside, the narrowest margin has been 184 runs. Best-laid plans notwithstanding, the unravelling often begins at the start.

Once, Michael Slater hit the first ball of a series for four and Australia led the series from post to post. Another time, classy England seamer Simon Jones did his ACL on the first morning of the series at the Gabba. By day’s end, Australia were 2-364 and you know the rest.

Then there was the time poor old Steve Harmison bowled the first ball of the series – straight to second slip. Six hours later, Australia were 3-346. Whitewash ensued.

Last time here, England’s Rory Burns was bowled by the first ball of the series and the tone was set again.

Sometimes, the portents prove false – on the first day of what became Australia’s humiliation in 2010-11, Peter Siddle took a hat-trick – and winning the first Test is not everything, but instances of Ashes series won from behind are vanishingly few.

Peter Siddle celebrates his hat-trick against England at the Gabba on November 25, 2010.Credit: AP

Once behind in Australia, England typically find that dwindling form, injury, sometime internal unrest, falling morale, homesickness, even fright conspire against them, and soon enough they are limping home with their tail between their legs again.

Not surprisingly, England’s dearth in Australia is reflected in individual accounts. Joe Root has made more Test runs than any man in history except Sachin Tendulkar, but has never made a century in Australia, nor has he played in a winning Test team here.

Jimmy Anderson is England’s all-time leading wicket-taker and third overall, but in Australia he took only one five-wicket haul and averaged an unremarkable 34. The mischievous Broad terrorised Australia in England, but in Australia also averaged 34.

In only his second Test, England captain Ben Stokes made a memorable century in Perth, but has not made one in Australia since.

To an extent, the infrequency that creates such anticipation about Ashes series also distorts understandings and appreciations; Stokes has played only nine Test matches here. But the moral is clear: England chronically underperform in Australia.

It’s not that Australia are invincible at home. New Zealand won a Test match here this century – off-shore, admittedly, in Hobart – South Africa won three successive series here and India won two series in a row. Even the enfeebled West Indies won a Test match here, moreover at the once impregnable Gabba.

In all, Australia have lost 18 matches at home this century, spread across all grounds. It’s possible, but evidently not for England.

This time, England has figured that to beat ’em, you must join ’em. They have brought a squad bristling with quick bowlers and batting machismo, while barely bothering with a spinner.

England’s Ben Stokes made a stirring century in Perth in 2013.Credit: AP

It might be the most Australian squad England has ever picked.

Conversely, Australia’s batting looks brittle and its bowlers world-weary; they could almost be old England.

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It’s only the phoney war, but England have seized the high moral ground and are threatening to reclaim their old colony and the old urn.

Which is all very well, but the record is the record.

Bellow as you like, England, lay claim to the Ashes, declare them to be coming home – but come back and see us when you’ve won a Test match.

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