‘Queen of Versailles’ review: Kristin Chenoweth returns to Broadway in a dire musical that needs a wrecking ball
Theater review
THE QUEEN OF VERSAILLES
Two hours and 30 minutes with one intermission. At the St. James Theatre, 246 W. 44th Street.
At the center of the Broadway musical “The Queen of Versailles” is an unfinished, 90,000-square-foot house in Florida — one of the biggest private homes in America.
Misguided, over-the-top, well-intended and seemingly beyond repair, the mega manse is meant to act as a metaphor for the American Dream.
Well, keep dreamin’.
Instead, and within minutes, the Orlando-area colossus comes to represent the criminally bad show it’s in; a wrecking ball to good taste that opened Sunday night at the St. James Theatre.
Both Versailles, a very real property in Windermere, and “The Queen of Versailles” ultimately beg an identical question: Why on earth did they do this?
More From Johnny Oleksinski
The real Jackie Siegel wanted to leave behind her low-class upbringing with a Sunshine State palace inspired by the French one she visited on her honeymoon.
Kristin Chenoweth plays Jackie Siegel in “The Queen of Versailles” on Broadway. DKC/O&M
On the stage, perhaps “Wicked” composer Stephen Schwartz and book writer Lindsey Ferrentino sought to make a bold statement on economic disparity in a nation where extreme wealth is a hot topic.
The musical, after all, is based on a popular documentary made in the wake of the 2008 financial crisis.
Or, maybe, the creatives wished to hand star Kristin Chenoweth a meaty, campy diva role for her first Broadway musical in a decade.
But the answer more likely shares the same verbiage as one of the rough songs in the worst score of Schwartz’s long career: “Because we can.”
The end result is far too careless to believe anything otherwise.
Siegel, a pageant queen, sets out to build one of the biggest homes in all of America. DKC/O&M
For starters, the foundation is rotted. Even if the team won a lifetime supply of Wite-Out and started over from scratch, I don’t see the story of “The Queen of Versailles” ever being turned into a satisfying musical.
That’s clear from the undeniable fact that the composer, writer and director Michael Arden have no clue what to do with their ostentatious main character, the rags-to-riches pageant queen turned billionaire’s spouse Jackie Siegel.
Are we supposed to love her? Are we supposed to loathe her? At the very least, should we want the best for her? The writers would probably tell you she’s complex. However, complexity is exciting. This slog is not.
Jackie settles for being a flirty, giggly black hole of emotion whose story isn’t served whatsoever by singing.
She is neither judged nor celebrated. She’s barely even explored as the show tries and fails to make her relatable. The woman just sort of peacocks around all night to bland songs, which could be because Siegel is involved with the production.
“Versailles” marks Chenoweth’s return to Broadway musicals after 10 years away. DKC/O&M
At the beginning, Siegel’s youthful aspirations are familiar.
As an upstate New York teen — and Chenoweth plays her at every age, too presentationally — she’s depicted as being obsessed with the TV series “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” and host Robin Leach’s catchphrase “Champagne wishes and caviar dreams.”
But there is a squirmy cheesiness to her “I want” number called, erm, “Caviar Dreams,” in which she longs to be “far from the auto lots, chain restaurants and pool room bars.” She wants to be “American royalty.”
It was then in the St. James that I began to silently pray to Saint James for strength and guidance.
F. Murray Abraham plays Siegel’s husband David. DKC/O&M
After doing odd jobs, getting in a failed marriage and winning the Mrs. Florida Pageant, Jackie reaches her goal when she marries the founder of the timeshare company Westgate, David Siegel.
David, a milquetoast “sure, honey” tracksuit tycoon, is played with a half-smirk by Oscar winner F. Murray Abraham, who must be madder at his agent than Salieri was at Mozart.
He enters in a dumb Wild West theme-park number called “The Ballad of the Timeshare King” that serves as a useful reminder that Schwartz’s speciality has never been comedy.
Once the couple get started on Versailles, and Act 2 attempts to confront serious family dramas between Jackie, her disapproving daughter Victoria (Nina White) and the niece she adopts, Jonquil (Tatum Grace Hopkins), prepare ye the way of the yawn. It’s defying brevity.
A documentary film crew follows Siegel for part of the musical. DKC/O&M
The terrible second part can best be summed up by two scenes: A perplexing requiem sung about a dead lizard is immediately followed by a trip to the Sundance Film Festival.
I hoped the tag-team of Chenoweth and Arden would have magic to do. No such luck. The actress is a theatrical force, as everybody knows, but Simone Biles can’t do a back handspring on a toothpick, either.
With skin-deep material to work with, Chenoweth transparently leans into broad yuks like she’s serving donuts for dinner. If only her long-anticipated return could be returned.
A frame story involving the French court, Louis XVI and Marie Antionette should have been axed. DKC/O&M
And Arden, who delivered a brilliant new musical with “Maybe Happy Ending” last season, drops the ball by juggling too many. The sub-Zoom call live videos as the documentary filmmakers shoot, an intellectually lazy 1661 frame story at the French court of Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette that should’ve gotten the guillotine in early development and unappealing staging on a drab construction site all come to naught.
Siegel’s house in Florida remains under construction, and she claims it could be finished soon.
The Broadway musical about it? Scheduled for demolition.
