LONDON — The City of London has awarded longtime resident Charli XCX the Key Bump to the City, sources confirmed.
“I’m proud to bestow this honor upon Ms. XCX,” said London mayor Sadiq Khan at the award ceremony. “Few Londoners in recent memory have done as much as Charli has to get the people dancing, support mom-and-pop drug operations, or popularize the color green. We thrive in thinking of London as one of the world’s premier party cities, behind only Berlin, Miami, and several dozen others. ‘Brat’ has kept that reputation alive, with its fresh hyperpop sound and existential dread about aging. In light of your accomplishment, I grant you, Charli XCX, this nose candy as a token of our appreciation.”
Charli XCX took her prize in stride.
“I didn’t know the city had a giant key, a novelty gallon-sized dime bag, and a modest amount of coke,” said Charli XCX upon receiving the award. “Even knowing it exists, I can’t believe they gave it to me for free! I’ve always wanted my music to mean something and score me some complimentary blow in the process, so I’m excited to use my newfound power for good. I just want the youth to know that, no matter how hard your life seems right now, no matter how lonely you might feel, you can always do a little bump.”
Charli XCX is the most recent artist in a long line to receive the Key Bump to the City.
“London has a storied history of rewarding drug use, but the Key Bump honors those venerable titans who have hoovered enough booger sugar to laugh in the face of Jesus himself,” explained historian and cocanologist Professor Robert Klisch. “Charli follows in the footsteps of David Bowie, Eric Clapton, and Sir Elton John, each of whom left a wake of destruction behind their Key Bumps to the City. In fact, Bowie used the key to come into London in the middle of the night so many times that they had to change the locks to the city while he was away. I can’t wait to see what Charli XCX does with her success.”
At press time, Charli XCX was seen paying £1 to enter the Loo of the City with her key.
