Merry Christmas? Not on British telly. The Xmas schedules used to be the jewel in TV’s crown – something worth waiting all year for. Those of us lucky enough to have grown up when giants like Eric and Ernie and The Two Ronnies ruled the festival roost would agree that modern Yuletide TV ‘specials’ are more of a job for the Fraud Squad than critics.
So who are the Grinches who stole our Christmas joy? Step forward suspect one, ITV who are serving up bog-standard shows with added tinsel. Their big Xmas Day “treat” is Corriedale – their Coronation Street/Emmerdale cross-over episode (nicknamed Emmer-Roid Street by insiders). There will be a multi-vehicle pile-up with a strong possibility of death. Glad tidings of comfort and joy? Not here. ITV have ruined both soaps with endless misery; they’re so dreary and obsessively gay that axing them would constitute a mercy killing.
And let’s hear it for suspect two – BBC1’s festive schedule is just as dire. Their line-up includes ‘special’ editions of shows that weren’t that special to begin with, like Michael McIntyre’s Christmas Wheel and the usual double helping of doom-laden EastEnders (expect rows, threats and a promised ‘catastrophe’). Plus the inevitable Strictly Come Dancing, just days after the marathon four-month series ended.
The only new BBC1 comedy on Xmas evening is Amandaland, the Motherland spin-off. It’s a rapid promotion for a sitcom that launched in April. Writing and casting were strong, with Lucy Punch as Amanda, and its festive special features Jennifer Saunders as her Aunt Joan – screen mum Joanna Lumley’s sister. The Beeb desperately need this snobbery-fuelled comedy to work. But to date, its highest-rated episode was the first, with 4.8m viewers, falling to 3.9m by episode six. Is Amanda ready, or indeed likely, to step into the shoes of Jim Royle and Victor Meldrew? I wish it well, but I seriously doubt that it will ever equal the 19m who lapped up Gavin & Stacey in a similar time slot last Xmas.
BBC2 are showing a classic Morecambe & Wise Yuletide special on the big day, shooting themselves in the foot in the process as millions of viewers will wonder how we’ve gone from those glorious days when Christmas TV was a guaranteed joy, to today’s “this’ll-do” mess. We don’t make them like that anymore. But could we? If the BBC had any sense, which I doubt, they’d commission a maverick trouble-shooter to save mainstream comedy – and bring back audiences hungry for laughs. Job one: make Xmas entertainment genuinely special again. They did it last year. Gavin & Stacey 2024 special, The Finale, was BBC1’s best festive comedy since 2019’s Gavin & Stacey special. Writers and actors James Corden and Ruth Jones managed to pull it off, proving it can be done.
So here is what the BBC need to do. Step one: Launch a modern equivalent of Comedy Playhouse to find and build new popular sitcoms. BUT make it open to all submissions – the current process requires the writer to win over a production company before their script can even be pitched. And don’t let the current failing comedy commissioners oversee it. Replace them with people who are down-to-earth and in touch with everyday humour.
Step two: Create big, bold mainstream comedy sketch shows. Use mainstream comedians and find new ones to build. They should start by scouting the holiday camps for redcoats and bluecoats etc rather than relying on the Edinburgh fringe. Bradley Walsh, Joe Pasquale, Brian Conley and Shane Richie all started out as holiday camp entertainers.
Step three: give Brad and Michael McIntyre family-friendly festive entertainment specials to host rather than gameshows with Christmas decorations like The Wheel and Blankety Blank. Walsh and McIntyre are our most successful modern comedy entertainers, but only their accountants would describe these formats as seasonal must-sees. The goal should be to re-create variety entertainment shows which means hiring writers with a sense of humour. PS and when casting the guests make them a) talented and b) recognisable rather than gormless divs from reality formats of limited appeal.
Gavin & Stacey reminded us how special Xmas comedy once was and how much we’ve lost. Unless the TV Tarquins learn from its success and take drastic action that whole heartwarming joy of holiday television will melt away like a snowman in a pizza oven.
