Kiva Bank
6:20 pm, Nov 21, 2025
Staff Reporter
Julian Raymond
There is a brisk chill in the air, the barest hint of snow dusting the ground. Students frolic around campus, bundled in their cashmere-blend coats and scarves. These signs can only mean one thing: Football season is upon us.
The stars say we will win the game. And by “we,” I mean the Patriots, six-time Superbowl winners, record 11 AFC championships, the greatest NFL dynasty to ever exist, etc. etc. We’re so back, baby. The Yale football team? Not so much. We’re going to need divine intervention to beat the Crimson devils when they visit this weekend.
Fortunately, there is a chance for the Bulldogs to turn things around against H-who-must-not-be-named. The stars demand that H*rvard must lose more than its dignity and federal funding this year. To ensure their fate on the field, you must do as the horoscopes foretold:
Aries
You thought you met the love of your life during your Visitas days in Cambridge. Now you regret coming to the better university because you may have missed your one chance at true love. You’ve wasted time daydreaming about reuniting this weekend. Alas, you may not understand Latin, but the veritas is that they don’t remember you. Don’t worry, they’re probably stinky anyway.
Taurus
Your high school rival reached out at the last minute asking to crash in your dorm before The Game, and you are unsure how to respond. Either say yes and endure 48 hours of snide comments about high school rankings, or say no and get subtweeted about “Yale elitists.” The choice is yours.
Gemini
Bringing out your best social performance is your preferred sport. For you, that means pretending to be a feminist. You think it is “woke” to refer to “GHeav” as the “G-spot.” Surprisingly, they’re pretty similar since they’re both harder to find when you’re drunk at 2 a.m. Do everyone a favor and don’t attempt either this weekend. Even H*rvard students will find you cringe.
Cancer
You’re sad our beloved chief of police is leaving for a lesser university. Channel your emotions into screaming your heart out at The Game. They may have taken Anthony Campbell ’95 DIV ’09, but they will never understand school spirit. We have a real mascot, unlike that pilgrim monstrosity. While they look forward to timely warnings about the plethora of academic crime in Cambridge, we’ll look forward to victory.
Leo
Your H*rvard hookup will land you in a sticky situation this weekend. The only Crimson that’ll be coming in your dorm is your period. Early. At least that unfortunate cock blocker will prevent you from drunken mistakes with anyone from an inferior institution.
Virgo
Your parents are visiting for The Game. You’re still tailgating like your blood type is Tito’s. You may have blocked them from your Instagram story but they are going to try to swing by anyway to “see how the students celebrate.” Good luck explaining why your jacket smells like Fireball.
Libra
You don’t know anything about football but that hasn’t stopped you from providing your friends with unwarranted commentary. Last year you asked if “downs” were a bad thing. Don’t bother trying to impress your crush. You WILL point at any player holding the ball and call him the quarterback. Just remember to clap when other Yalies clap.
Scorpio
You are putting your calculus skills to good use: figuring out how much alcohol you need to consume at 8 a.m. to be adequately numb by kickoff. You can’t sober up on the walk to the stadium, unless you want to feel every freezing second in the stands. Try pacing yourself. You want to remember at least one touchdown.
Sagittarius
The only game you’ll be participating in this weekend is of the drinking variety. You’re competitive by nature, but maybe don’t try to “win” this one. Your liver is not an athlete. Pace yourself before you end up becoming the halftime entertainment.
Capricorn
You are stingy and refuse to pay the frats that are hosting parties this weekend. Coolness comes at a price, but why is Sig Chi charging a fee to attend a “no taxation” party? Capitalism has made the “poor” finance bros hypocrites. Use your networking skills and make H*rvard students pay instead.
Aquarius
You chose preparing for The Game over your protecting your GPA. The Jell-O shots are made. The flyers have been posted. Yet you didn’t finish any of your assignments that were due before break. You wish Yale had the same grade inflation as the so-called “elite” institution does. At least our classes are legitimately challenging. The only thing challenging about Cambridge is the on campus party scene.
Pisces
Remember your actions have real consequences. You’re already romanticizing The Game as if you’re acting in the plot of a coming-of-age film. You imagine tears, triumph, heartbreak, maybe even a forbidden intercollegiate romance. Instead, you will lose your voice, your gloves and possibly your sense of direction. Come back to reality before you put the cautionary tale in tailgate.
Kiva Bank is a sophomore in Pauli Murray studying cognitive science. She covers dance, a cappella and theater for the arts desk.
